101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Filed Under Software Process- Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall
- You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame
- The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message “Screw it, I give up”
- You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files
- Your eldest team member references Martin Fowler as a ‘snot-nosed punk’
- Your source code control system is a series of folders on a shared drive
- Allocated QA time is for Q and A why your crap is broken
- All of your requirements are written on a used cocktail napkin
- You start considering a new job so you don’t have to maintain the application you are building
- The lead web developer thinks the X in XHTML means ‘extreme’
- Ever iteration meeting starts with “Do you want the good news or the bad news…”
- Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level
- Progress is now measured by the number of fixed bugs and not completed features
- Continuous Integration is getting new employees to read the employee handbook
- You are friends with the janitor
- The SCRUM master doesn’t really care what you did yesterday or what you will do today
- Every milestone ends in a dead sprint
- Your best developer only has his A+ Certification
- You do not understand the acronyms DRY, YAGNI, or KISS; but you do understand WTF, PHB, and FUBAR
- Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file
- The only certification your software process has is ISO 9001/2000
- Your manager thinks ‘Metrics’ is a type of protein drink
- Every bug is prioritized as Critical
- Every feature is prioritized as Trivial
- Project estimates magically match the budget
- Developers use the excuse of ‘self documenting code’ for no comments
- Your favorite software pattern is God Object
- You still believe compiling is a form of testing
- Developers still use Notepad as an IDE
- Your manager wastes 7 hours a week asking for progress reports (true story)
- You do not have your own machine and you are not doing pair programming
- Team Rule – No meetings until 10 AM since we were all here until 2 AM
- Your team believes ORM is a ‘fad’
- Your team believes the transition from VB6 to VB.NET will be ‘seamless’
- Your manager thinks MS Project is the best management tool the market offers
- Your spouse only gets to see you on a webcam
- None of your unit tests have asserts in them
- FrontPage is your web page editor of choice
- You get into flame wars if { should be on new line, but you are impartial to patterns such as MVC
- The company motto is ‘Do more with less’
- The phrase ‘It works on my machine’ is heard more than once a day
- The last conference your .NET team attended was Apple WWDC 2000
- Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions
- All debugging occurs on the live server
- Your manager does not know how to check email
- Your manager thinks being SOX compliant means not working on baseball nights
- The company hires Senetor Ted Stevens to give your project kick-off inspiration speech
- The last book you read – Visual InterDev 6 Bible
- The overall budget is mistaken for your weekly Mountain Dew bill
- Your manager spends his lunch hour crying in his car (another true story)
- Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product
- Your boss expects you to spend the next 2 days creating a purchase request for a $50 component
- The sales team decreased your estimates because they believe you can work faster
- Requirement – Rank #1 on Google
- Everyday you work until Midnight, everyday your boss leaves at 4:30
- Your manager loves to say “Why do the developers care? They get paid by the hour.”
- The night shift at Starbucks knows you by name
- Management can not understand why anyone needs more than a single monitor
- Your development team only uses source control as a power failure backup system
- Developers are not responsible for any testing
- The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic
- Your white boards are mostly white (VersionOne)
- The client continually mistakes your burn-down chart for a burn-up chart
- The project code name is renamed to ‘The Death March’
- Now it physically pains you to say the word – Yes
- Your teammates don’t refactor, they refuctor
- To reward you for all of your overtime your boss purchases a new coffee maker
- Your project budget is entered in the company ledger as ‘Corporate Overhead’
- You secretly outsource pieces of the project so you can blog at work
- A Change Control Board is created and your product isn’t even its first alpha version
- Daily you consider breaking your fingers for the short term disability check
- The deadline has been renamed a ‘milestone’…just like the last ‘milestone’
- Your project managers ‘open door’ policy only applies between 5:01 PM – 7:59 AM
- Your boss argues “Why buy it when we can built it!”
- You bring beer to the office during your 2nd shift
- The project manager is spotted consulting a Ouija board
- You give misinformation to your teammates so you look better on your personal review
- All code reviews are scheduled a week before product launch
- Budget for testing exists as “if we have time”
- The client will only talk about the requirements after they receive a fixed estimation
- The boss does not find the humor in Dilbert
- You start noticing your boss’s poker tells during planning poker
- You start wondering if working 2 shifts at Pizza Hut is a better career alternative
- All performance issues are resolved by getting larger machines
- The project has been demoted to being released as a permanent ‘Beta’ version
- Your car is towed from the office parking lot as it was thought to be abandoned
- The project manager likes to doodle during requirements gathering meetings
- You are using MOSS 2007
- Your SCRUM team consists of 1
- Your timesheet looks like a Powerball ticket
- The web developer thinks being 508 means looking good in her Levi Red Tabs
- You think you need Multiple Personality Disorder medication because you are Mort, Elvis, and Einstein
- Your manager substitutes professional consultant advice for a Magic 8 Ball
- You know exactly how many compile warnings cause an ‘Out of Memory’ exception in your IDE
- I have used IDE twice in this list and you still don’t know what it stands for
- You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF
- Broken unit tests are deleted because they are obviously out of date
- You are sent to a conference to learn, but you skip sessions to go hunting for swag
- QA has nicknamed you Chief Off-By-One
- You have been 90% complete 90% of the time
- “Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too… thanks”
Comments
147 Responses to “101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed”
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Great list!
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Ummm yeah and about those TPS reports…We’re gonna need you to use those new cover sheets
I really thought #100 was going to be a goto statement 🙂
Thanks from your friends @ http://www.askTheAdmin.com
102. The full time staff has been cut from 50 to 25, the $15 million VC investment is gone, and the developers spend 6 of the 8 hours in the office per day playing World of Warcraft. (Also true story).
If being friends with a janitor is sign of doom for a software project … then it sounds like the problem isn’t with the project, but rather, the people running it.
Great! thanks a lot!
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Congrats on the front page digg placement, due. Great article
So how many matches does it take to get a free t-shirt? 🙁 Awesome list!
#46: Go Red Sox, World Series 2007 🙂
Great list though 🙂
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How to Tell if your Project is Doomed (funny)
Hehe: 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed There’s something for everyone in a list like this. 23. Every bug is prioritized as Critical 24. Every feature is prioritized as Trivial Many of us can identify with: 57….
Here are few….
You entire code is an if else block
You declare all your variables as a class wide variables
You write system outs for debugging
You hijack entire directory to check out one file
and finally
You develop for 3 days and QA tests for 6 weeks..(true story)
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66. Your teammates don’t refactor, they refuctor
Your teammates don’t know what refactoring is. (true story)
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101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Might or might not be true. 😉 # Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall # You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame # The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message “Fuck it,…
Oh god. what a depressing list 🙁
30 is so true……..
Good list of reference.
They are so funny,
but the sad fact is that we all know at least half of them to be true and we’ve all been through at least a few of them.
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Truth hurts,
most of what is said above is true.
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Nice list..it’s realistic..some of it anyway..good job…
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101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
# Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall
# You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame
# You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files
………………………………
More than 50% projects get scraped. 90% of the work in successful projects are maintenance.
I think by the #60 you’re just about screwed.
OMG, that feels like it was written by someone on my current project! 😡
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The PM tells upper management, “It gets done when it’s done — we don’t know what we’re doing.” (Another true one at an update meeting}
Stop watching over my shoulder…
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Is your Software Project Doomed?
Someone in our organization passed around a link to this site. I find it entertaining. One person in our organization took exception to #12. Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level. Actually the issue here is not…
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# Every bug is prioritized as Critical
I’ve come across the opposite doom-sayer — in a mature but grossly buggy product — every bug is prioritized as trivial (no matter how horrendous the bug).
[…] at codesqueeze, they’ve got a list of 101 signs that your project is destined for failure. While a good number of the items in the list are jokes made up for the sake of being funny (such […]
[Brian] If being friends with a janitor is sign of doom for a software project … then it sounds like the problem isn’t with the project, but rather, the people running it.
The implication is that if you’re constantly staying late enough to see the janitor regularly, you have problems. It’s not a statement on the janitor’s position or worth; knee hit the underside of the table much?
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I loved:
“20. The phrase ‘It works on my machine’ is heard more than once a day.”
Yeah! And from the same *&%$ software engineer.
I sent your list to him. Anonymously.
[…] 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed – 61. The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic […]
101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Link to 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed … #102 – More than 50% of this list seems
102. you emailed this post to your personal account and went back to coding.
Unfortunately, this is SOP for almost all ERP installations, especially:
*You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame
*Ever iteration meeting starts with “Do you want the good news or the bad news…”
*Every milestone ends in a dead sprint
*Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions
101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Interesting article. http://www.codesqueeze.com/101-ways-to-know-your-software-project-is-doomed/
101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Interesting article. http://www.codesqueeze.com/101-ways-to-know-your-software-project-is-doomed/
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The team thinks that SCRUM Master is a meaningful credential.
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Murphy’s #1 law of Doom…
Regardless of shape, form or function, Doom is Universal
~~~~~~~~~
What that means is, I’m a DBA, and I found most of these relevant to that work, too.
“You think about getting a new job so you don’t have to support the POS you’re building…” priceless…
#105: when the project schedule is finally set (without any input from you), you find out you’re already behind schedule on half the milestones before even one line of code has been written (you know, because Sales thought you’d work better under pressure).
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101 Ways to Know Your Software Project is Doomed
Humorous post , with a couple of warnings…
Doomed…
Here is an article that can help you decide if your project is doomed.
Number 95? You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF.
Its a must read…
[…] 101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed […]
DRAM-Overkill
Man kann es auch uebertreiben
nicht exakt das gleiche Thema wie Ramdisks, aber doch ein wenig… es geht um das Erschlagen von Problemen durch massiven Einsatz von DRAM.SUNs X4950 wird als Streaming-Switch verkauft und ist nichts anderes als ein Swit
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re: 64. I’ve also heard the project code name “The sinking ship”. true story.
Also a true one :
Your bug tracking system for a 40 people/ one million dollar project is one Excel spreadsheet
Jerome – That is a really good one as I have seen that too. As I laugh, I die a little inside…
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Software Fuctoring
Project Manager Definitions from Sedition.com
The important ones:
scope creep hostile…
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101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
This is a hilarious post ” 101 ways to know your software project is doomed “. If your have been involved
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Thanks for such a funny list. I’ve posted some of these over at ZDNet:
http://blogs.zdnet.com/projectfailures/?p=352
Michael Krigsman
http://projectfailures.com
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Just 3 more suggestions.
See my small cartoon:
http://geekandpoke.typepad.com/geekandpoke/2007/08/how-to-know-you.html
Bye,
Oliver
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omg that was very fun 😀
101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed
Ca peut se rajouter a la liste de JR (11 ways Agile Adoption Fail https://www.pyxistech.ca/confluence/display/AC/2007/08/28/11WaysAgileAdoptionFail)
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101 признак того, что ваш проект горит синим огнем!
101 Signs Your Software Project is Doomed 1. Руководство приняло решение перейти с модели разработки
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Our project seems to be doomed too :]
Thanks, very funny article!
“FrontPage is your web page editor of choice”
“Your SCRUM team consists of 1”
Hilarious!
Thanks for this article!
Keep on bloggin,,,
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Thanks for a funny list
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Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file.
That’s very funny 🙂
funny vhahaha
that’s very funny:)
Ha ha, I liked the second one : “You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame.” Now, isn’t that like so true? The minute we see a whole lot of consultants come in, we know something’s gone wrong. Either we’re all going to lose our job, or we’re looking at some way of shifting the blame for why things have gone so horribly bad. Loved the Napkin as well – that was too funny.
New #1:
Your sprint planning meetings are so broken that your sprint planners skip them to attend sprint planning conferences.
Hahahaha! This is so funny! number 51 it is very funny! “Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product”
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It’s too bad the Vista dev team didn’t read this.
This should be mandatory reading for all employees. Funny and sad at the same time
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haha its my birthday and this made my day ive never laughed so much, number one was a little bit rude but fuck it who cares hahahaha god im laughing like a little girl who just got her new pony.
“Now, Iphones take care of your million dollar software” !!
“devs complain .. sorry there can’t be a launch tonight as I am vacationing in hawaaii where 3g is weak ” => thus can’t login through my top SSH APP
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89 Ways for You to Become the Coolest Programmer in the World…
Since there are dozens of posts on becoming a better developer, but no single post with all the advice you need, perhaps, you’ll find this short guide useful.
1. Learn the Skills You Need
Learn the programming basics
“The goal of this guide is to b…
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that’s very funny:)
hahahaha 🙂
Published a similar list, “10 Signs That You Should Give Up on Your Project”
This can be easily applied to your list: “The original project charter has nothing to do with what you are doing now”
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VariableNotFound ha traducido, con el previo consentimiento de su autor. Post original en inglés:
hahaha this list is somewhat true and very funny 😀
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You think about getting a new job so you don’t have to support the POS you’re building
This is soooo true for me
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otomasyon sistemleri
Great List. Some of the points made me laugh
hm yeah and about those TPS reports…We’re gonna need you to use those new cover sheets
One of the best articles I have read in a while. Thanks and keep up the good work.
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